how does one get so lucky?

ya know, i have been pondering A LOT lately about the last 8 or so years of my life. i have realized 3 things

1. these were some of the most trying, difficult, frustrating times of my life
2. never have i realized the hand God has played in my life these last few years
3. i was one difficult little brat to deal with, and i never made it easy for my family

i have thought a lot about how i have ended up in the odd situation i am in, living with my aunt and uncle over 1,000 miles away from where my parents and 3 sisters live. why me? how did i end up here? i'd be lying if i said i had had a great relationship with my aunt and uncle, or parents for that matter. in fact i had gotten to the point where i hated living with my aunt and uncle. i was so excited to leave for college, to get out, to be my own person. well i am here to say that was the stupidest thing i have ever thought. i always thought that i was just a charity case, ya know? the girl taken in and given a good life. i was such a brat. so spoiled and i didn't even know it. i don't have any excuses for the way i treated the two best people in my life, but i think a lot of it stems from the poor communication skills i developed living with two deaf parents, a deaf sister, and a handicapped sister. doesn't leave much room for improvement there. i was also bitter about a lot.. i am actually really disappointed in the way i treated my family, but there is always the future, right?

when i was home for Christmas, i was working in the family restaurant on Christmas Eve when this really nice lady came in. she was LDS and was just talking to me about life, and we had a lot of life things in common. i was telling her a little about my situation, and what she said couldn't have been worded any better by me. she said, "well it seems to me that whatever reason you weren't able to come into the household you live in now, so you were born in your family with your birth parents, and eventually Heavenly Father brought you back to your family, your aunt and uncle. from what i can see they were suppose to be and ARE your parents." well geez lady, i don't know you, but you sure do seem to know a lot about my life... haha joke. but it was really an eyeopener. the last few months, my relationship with my parents (aunt and uncle) has grown quite a bit, and i feel like i have become super close to them. and i wouldn't trade that for the world, although it makes me quite sad i had to leave the nest, and live life on my own to figure out this simple truth. i realized how much they really do love me, i am just the biggest brat ever and make living with very, very difficult. which i think was the stem of many problems. but i couldn't love them anymore, or my adopted brothers and sisters. i couldn't ask for better influences in my life. they have all made amazing choices, chosen wonderful partners and have beautiful kids. and aubrey... i don't know what i would do without her. she is my other half, the one i can tell anything to and that i can fight with over anything and still somehow i like her. haha but i know i was given this rare opportunity for a reason- i got to see a family work and grow together, but not only did i get to see it, i got to be a part of it. such a blessing in disguise. i just can't believe it has taken me 8 years to realize this great blessing God so strategically placed into my life.

when i decided to serve a mission, a lot of my questions were about how i was going to pay for it, and how this was all going to come about. and today i have even given the thought of taking the semester of for preparing so i can work and save some extra money. but when i talked to my parents about this i was just kind of taken aback by their concern and willingness to do whatever it took to keep me in school and get a little more behind me. never in my life have i felt such love and willingness from such amazing parents. i don't know how life would be without them, i know i've complained a lot but i've also grown up as well. guess we all just have to figure things out in our own timely manner huh? i've got some studying, pondering, and praying to do but knowing i have such amazing, strong, willing people behind me just makes life that much easier to bear.

i love you guys so much and could have never asked for a more beautiful, perfect family for me to be a part of. you are the best and make life so much easier to bear!

coollege.

college. it is hard. you know, people always say it is hard, but i always figured that was an exaggeration to make me work extra hard. nope, turns out people actually tell the truth these days? but guess what makes it even harder? putting off all four finals until the monday you have to do them all. and guess who did just that? yep, you're right. me. but besides that... life has been pretty great. i know i tend to fail to see that, but i don't know if i have ever really been so happy... yet confused... at the same time. life is easy, but it is hard. how does that even happen? i have been blessed with this wonderful opprotunity to come to college, somehow landed an amazing job, got the best roommates and friends a gal could ask for making my life so easy. but yet, trying to balance all these amazing things with church and preparing for a mission? not easy. sometimes i find myself getting discouraged, and then once that starts happening, every little thing discourages me. even not going on dates. like really?? i am going on a mission in 6 months, why do i want a boyfriend? but then i start to find myself lonely, like what the heck? my life is great! i don't need some boy to march in and complicate things. its so weird how we look at life so differently every second of every day. sometimes i find myself wondering what is happening to me, where my life is going and what exactly does the Lord have in plan for me? will these things ever come to pass? will i ever get married, have kids, graduate college? but then the next day i am all, "life is great, life is good!" i have so much trust, and have this weird feeling of understanding like i know what i am preparing for is right- i am going to go on a mission, serve the Lord for 1 1/2 years, come home and someday meet that person. i see wedding annoucemnets of people my age getting married and i just realize- i can't handle that yet! everyday the Lord teaches me something new about myself, and for that i am grateful. something else really i have come to appreciate is my new found love and appreciation for my aunt and uncle. in the past our relationship has had so much contention and strife in it, and now i can talk to my aunt on the phone for half an hour or more (which NEVER EVER happened before) and i am finding myself soooo excited to finally go home for christmas this year and spend my measly 1 week with them! i actually wish it was so much more! crazy how our views on life change when we allow the Lord to change our hearts!

admist all this finals week jazz, and stress from everything wonderful life has to offer, i am so excited for this coming weekend! me and my roommates are going to temple square in salt lake city to see the lights, which i have not done in 2 years, and chlo has never seen them. so this is going to be so much fun! then i come home, work the 17 and drive home the 18 for christmas. it will be so great. i will get to finish filling out my papers with shanna and al, and i am so excited for what my future has to offer me. bring it on!

sometimes little things happen in my life, and i find myself so confused about it. like why am i thinking this way? how can this happen? i don't know.. i think sometimes the Lord puts people in our lives at certain times for certain things... sometimes it may not be for what we would hope or wish- but they are there for a reason. for that i am grateful, and i know this church is true!