ya know, i have been pondering A LOT lately about the last 8 or so years of my life. i have realized 3 things
1. these were some of the most trying, difficult, frustrating times of my life
2. never have i realized the hand God has played in my life these last few years
3. i was one difficult little brat to deal with, and i never made it easy for my family
i have thought a lot about how i have ended up in the odd situation i am in, living with my aunt and uncle over 1,000 miles away from where my parents and 3 sisters live. why me? how did i end up here? i'd be lying if i said i had had a great relationship with my aunt and uncle, or parents for that matter. in fact i had gotten to the point where i hated living with my aunt and uncle. i was so excited to leave for college, to get out, to be my own person. well i am here to say that was the stupidest thing i have ever thought. i always thought that i was just a charity case, ya know? the girl taken in and given a good life. i was such a brat. so spoiled and i didn't even know it. i don't have any excuses for the way i treated the two best people in my life, but i think a lot of it stems from the poor communication skills i developed living with two deaf parents, a deaf sister, and a handicapped sister. doesn't leave much room for improvement there. i was also bitter about a lot.. i am actually really disappointed in the way i treated my family, but there is always the future, right?
when i was home for Christmas, i was working in the family restaurant on Christmas Eve when this really nice lady came in. she was LDS and was just talking to me about life, and we had a lot of life things in common. i was telling her a little about my situation, and what she said couldn't have been worded any better by me. she said, "well it seems to me that whatever reason you weren't able to come into the household you live in now, so you were born in your family with your birth parents, and eventually Heavenly Father brought you back to your family, your aunt and uncle. from what i can see they were suppose to be and ARE your parents." well geez lady, i don't know you, but you sure do seem to know a lot about my life... haha joke. but it was really an eyeopener. the last few months, my relationship with my parents (aunt and uncle) has grown quite a bit, and i feel like i have become super close to them. and i wouldn't trade that for the world, although it makes me quite sad i had to leave the nest, and live life on my own to figure out this simple truth. i realized how much they really do love me, i am just the biggest brat ever and make living with very, very difficult. which i think was the stem of many problems. but i couldn't love them anymore, or my adopted brothers and sisters. i couldn't ask for better influences in my life. they have all made amazing choices, chosen wonderful partners and have beautiful kids. and aubrey... i don't know what i would do without her. she is my other half, the one i can tell anything to and that i can fight with over anything and still somehow i like her. haha but i know i was given this rare opportunity for a reason- i got to see a family work and grow together, but not only did i get to see it, i got to be a part of it. such a blessing in disguise. i just can't believe it has taken me 8 years to realize this great blessing God so strategically placed into my life.
when i decided to serve a mission, a lot of my questions were about how i was going to pay for it, and how this was all going to come about. and today i have even given the thought of taking the semester of for preparing so i can work and save some extra money. but when i talked to my parents about this i was just kind of taken aback by their concern and willingness to do whatever it took to keep me in school and get a little more behind me. never in my life have i felt such love and willingness from such amazing parents. i don't know how life would be without them, i know i've complained a lot but i've also grown up as well. guess we all just have to figure things out in our own timely manner huh? i've got some studying, pondering, and praying to do but knowing i have such amazing, strong, willing people behind me just makes life that much easier to bear.
i love you guys so much and could have never asked for a more beautiful, perfect family for me to be a part of. you are the best and make life so much easier to bear!